basimah knits… and spins… and maybe complains about things a little…

I’ve been working on my rewrite, that’s right.
I’m gonna change the ending,
Gonna throw away my title,
And toss it in the trash.

~ Paul Simon, "Rewrite"

So, as you lovely reader(s?) have probably noticed, I get things stuck in my brain and occasionally just have to barf them out in word form. I’m not sure if anyone actually reads this or cares, but there are simply some times when writing is the only thing that will let my brain settle enough to move on to something else. This is one of those times. Various recent events in my little world have me thinking about where I am and where I want to be. It’s a rather common topic for me actually, but this time feels kind of different.

I’ve always just assumed that the adversity and general bullshit in my life has made me a stronger, better person. It’s a rather noble thought really, but lately it strikes me that perhaps instead of using it make me stronger, I’ve managed to just let it make me more easily adaptable to shitty situations. I’ve been unhappy for so long that maybe I’m just used to it. Maybe I don’t even realize how miserable things really are because I’ve settled into thinking that’s just how they’re going to be.

It’s way late, and I know I’m rambling, but there really is a point to all this. My rewrite. If things in my world are going to change, I’m the only one that can and will change them. I can’t sit here fearful and sad, worried that I’ll never get the things I want and figure that’s just how my life works. I need to get out and DO. My rewrite can have a better ending, and I can make a better title.

I’m not expecting an easy happily-ever-after type ending, though. Shit’s going to be scary and hard, I’m going to fail, people will reject me, things will go wrong. I’ve let fear of rejection and the unknown hold me from trying far too many things. I’ve let myself settle into bad situations simply because I didn’t want to believe I deserve better. That sort of thing is what I need to be afraid of. Trying new things and taking risks should feel so much less scary than allowing myself to be miserable with my life. I’ve dealt with some pretty rough shit, and now it’s time for some serious editing of how I let my past effect me.

I’m no superwoman and I never will be, but in my rewrite I’m kind of a badass. In my rewrite I’m no longer waiting for something good to happen, I’m going out to deal with the scary things and the bullshit to bring good things to me. In my rewrite, I let my wants and dreams outweigh the fears. In my rewrite, I’m finally me.

Hooping.

Yes, I’m serious.

I have a new love and it is a comically large hula hoop. It is 50" in diameter, and of course pink and brown. Hooping is hard, it’s exercise, I look ridiculous doing it, and it leaves incredibly gnarly bruises on very random areas of my body. Yet despite (in spite of?) all that, I love it. 

It’s only been a few weeks since I started to obsess, but I already don’t remember exactly what got me started. Once I found a seller of custom hoops on Etsy, and found out I can get one that will work even for my size and shape AND I could get it covered in pink/brown tape, it was all downhill from there. I’ve had my hoop for about a week, trying to get 10 minutes of practice in a day. I really suck at it so far and can’t really keep it going around my waist at all, but my hoop has already started to do magical things for me…

I suspect only those that know me will be at all impressed with these changes, but the first one is I’m exercising without complaint. I’m actually looking forward to getting to practice each day. I enjoy practicing in the yard. Did you catch that? I enjoy working out outdoors where people can see me. Me. Outside. Moving my body around and not caring what anyone else has to think and/or say about it. Seriously.

Another interesting change, today I ended up in a clothing store and on a whim asked for a bra fitting. I’ve never had the balls to ask for a fitting before (even though they are free and offered each time I’m in that store) because I was too embarrassed or ashamed or whatever of my body. Somehow today I had the feeling that my body is what it is and it’s good because it’s mine so I might as well be nice to it.

Some switch has apparently been bumped and something has clicked and I can’t help but notice that good things and good feelings are happening since I found hooping. Or maybe I should say since hooping found me?

Either way, I like it. A lot.

…in no particular order:

I went back to school.
I had a crochet design published. 
I managed the first 4.0 GPA that I think I’ve ever had.
I found a place to get a real grown-up haircut.
I steeked a sweater.
I learned about Bell’s Palsy.  
I fell in love.
I learned to weave. 
I felt helpless as I could only stand by while a family lost their daughter and home to fire.
I stood up for someone who couldn’t.
I became a best-aunt.
I realized the importance of acceptance.
I found lost hope.

These aren’t really recent frustrations, but I guess they’ve recently come to the surface enough that I feel the need to vent a little.

I’m used to being a minority. I’m bi-racial and as such, I spent much of my younger school career being either the darkest person in the class or the lightest. I’m overweight, very overweight and I have been for a very long time. I’m not strictly heterosexual. I’m mostly used to these things by now, I don’t really give them that much thought in the average day. Recently, however, in two separate classes, I’ve been indirectly insulted by ignorant generalizations of both fat people and gay people. Whatever, stupid people say stupid things… sticks and stones and all that. I’m a big girl and I’m really not that easily offended. The problem is that it was so inherently okay for the stupid things to be said out loud in the middle of a class.

What gets me is the fact that if equally offensive comments were made about black people or disabled people there would have been at the very least a wave of silent disgust falling over the classroom and I’m guessing the commenter would have been called out in one way or another. The remarks about fat people and the comment about gays, however, were apparently hilarious and had other people joining in. The assumption was made in each case that it’s fine to insult people that "choose" to be that way. People harassing you for wearing ugly pants, get a new wardrobe. If you don’t want to be offended for being fat, eat less. Tired of getting abused for being gay, stop being gay. Problem solved, right? 

Unfortunately, as much as some ignorant people would like to believe, it is not quite that easy. I didn’t choose my sexual orientation any more than I chose to have a black father and a white mother. I can, however, choose to love and accept myself whatever I am. Now, I know I’m not quite there yet, but I’ve made quite a bit of progress over the past year or so. Progress that feels diminished by the fact that no matter how successful I am as a person, there will always be someone out there who feels that it’s okay to make fun of people like me because of the way we are. And even worse, the fact that someone else will think it’s funny.

I am kind of really tired of feeling things.

I’m sure other people also have feelings all the time, but mine seem to wear me out. I’m over it. Feelings, emotions, desires, fears, hopes, wants, anxieties, all of that I just want gone. Not gone forever though, I haven’t had some sort of break from reality wherein I wish to become a robot or anything, just gone for a day, maybe two. Just long enough to have some time to be able to think things through in a rational sort of way without emotional shit clogging up the works.

I think it’s a reasonable request, but what do I know about reason? As was previously mentioned, my brain is too clogged up to think right now. 

Dear Big Angry Looking Black Guy in the Library Building,

     I find it very hard to take you seriously when you are wearing a tiny spiderman backpack and socks with flip flops.

     Sincerely, the Girl Just Trying to Mind Her Own Business and Eat a Bagel 

Dear Fellow Students,

     Please do not insist on walking in front of me while you are texting. You are not multi-talented in that way. Also please do not insist on walking behind me while you loudly discuss with a friend what you and your girl/boyfriend tried last night. Yes, I understand it was probably awesome and you need to share it with someone. I am not that someone.

     xoxo, the Girl Just Trying to Mind Her Own Business and Get to Class

Dear Curly-haired Girl in Psych Class,

     I think that you are adorable. I very much would like to talk to you, but you’re 4 seats away and you always seem like you’ve got something else going on. Maybe if you’d like, you can notice me and say hey or something. That would be great.

     Best regards, the Girl Just Trying to Get Over Social Anxieties

Dear Insomnia,

     Why?

     Thanks for your understanding, the Girl Just Trying to Get Some Sleep

     p.s. - Please go away. 

My sources tell me that I need to blog. So here I am, blogging.

First and foremost, last post I mentioned the awesomeness of marshmallows. That was before I found out about Campfire "Giant Roasters". They are guaranteed to be life-changing. Ok, maybe not life-changing, but they are pretty fantastic. And huge. And marshmallowey.

Now that we have that very important bit of info out of the way, on to the trivial stuff. School is still going well enough, I survived through English Comp I online over the summer and I’m currently taking English Comp II, Intro to Psych, and History of Western Civilization. Still not taking all the hours I probably should be, but I’m working towards it.

Also in school news, I think that I may have figured out bit of a plan for school and beyond. After I get the Associate’s in Arts at RVC, I’m strongly considering transferring to Northern Illinois University which offers a Bachelor’s in Fine Arts with a Fiber empahsis, and a Business minor with a focus on innovation and entrepreneurship. What? Me? Business? That’s so un-Betsy, right? There is a method to the madness though. With the fiber learnings and the business learnings, I would be set for opening a yarn store/ fiber studio which is something I have often thought about and I think I could rock. Of course, I could change my mind and end up doing something completely different and that would be ok too. This is what I’m holding on to for the moment and it feels really good to have some sort of plan for something I want.

In the world of crafting, I got a loom! I weave now!

It’s a Glimakra Emilia rigid heddle loom. Apparently I have a thing for somewhat obscure brands of fiber tools purchased used on ebay (like my Fricke spinning wheel, Porkchop McAwesome-Spinsomuch). It’s a pretty sweet little loom, and I’m excited to play with textures and maybe use up some yarn stash (so I can buy fresh new yarn, of course).

I have been in a series of funky moods lately.  Some for good reason, some for no reason at all.  In light of that, I thought it might be good to make a short list of things I like as proof that the universe isn’t entirely lame. So here they are in no particular order:

Goody Spin Pins - I have a lot of hair. it is thick and curly and fluffy and generally refuses to even discuss with me what I would like it to do before it goes off and does its own thing.  Which is usually eating the various tools and accessories I try to use to tame it.  "Not anymore!" say the magical Spin Pins.  The directions call for using two to hold a bun, but I’ve already managed to lose one and the other one alone does a great job of holding my heavyass hair in a solid bun all day.  Magic, I swear.

Glee - I know, I know.

Kuma’s Asian Bistro - I’ve only been once, but I thorougly enjoyed it and plan to go back.  The food service and prices were good, the place is adorable, and it feels like a secret little treasure in the hot mess that is downtown.

Craft Magazine Blog - So many crafty ideas, so little time!

Marshmallows - Their awesomeness defies description.

So that’s what I can think of for now. Hopefully the things I like can bring some happy to someone else in a mood.

… you could look inside and see what’s on my mind."

So lately, I’ve been thinking about Bumpa quite a bit.  I miss him.  I’d like to think that he would be happy that I’m trying school again.  I’m sure he’d wonder what the heck took me so freakin long, but hopefully he would be proud.

I signed up for a class over the summer, partly because more credits mean I’m closer to that degree and partly because I don’t want to lose whatever learning mojo I’ve gained this semester. I guess we’ll see how that works out.

On the crafting front, not a whole lot is going on.  Working on a few smallish things and one of them involves making a baby look like corn.  Why?  Because God made babies smaller than us so we can put them in ridiculous clothing.  Fact.

Berroco® Free Pattern | Anupriya It’s free, and it’s adorable, and I designed it.  Awesome.